Tag Archive | emo

Going Back to Grey

He came here ahead of me. It wasn’t him then, it was a girl: a girl so pretty and prim. For a week she didn’t last. Her blamelessness was lost. In her place came a man. Silent. Reserved. Suave. I took no notice since I was very much preoccupied by some other, whom I thought was far better. Indeed, I thought. How thoughts could go wrong! They were never certain anyway.

He was doing errands for everybody, slaving for them but me. He was aloof, or so I assumed. It took one little moment for me to need his presence. It didn’t hurt then. His glance caught mine, without the clichéd spark that every girl was dreaming to witness. That idea never came in for so many times until his voice is gradually penetrating into my comfort zone. What comfort zone?!

My daily routine was grey, and I needed some colors. I was used to the dead air I was living with for a month or so. That was my comfort zone. When I had no idea what was going on with the world out there. His voice was poignant and sharp and it could pierce. My comfort zone wasn’t spared. His eyes smiled and it smiled at me. My lips shuddered at the eagerness to respond back. I eventually trusted my ambiguous notions. After all, it was somehow good to have somebody to talk to. I was more bored than the dead and it was never prevalent to have me bored rigid of anything else in the world.

I found a friend in him and he instantly became the pages that I could smoothly write my whimpers onto, as I had things to tell but didn’t have the courage to. He was my diary, my breathing and bleeding diary. I could write and write and write some more and he would still crave further, which I undeniably fell in love with. I loved his enthusiasm to learn everything about me, like he cared. He said he cared. One word I despised. One word abused by every man who was caught in the shackles and is no longer free. How can one care? Apparently a lie I thought I should’ve forgiven, and yet, have not forgotten. As coward as my not telling those things meant to be unveiled.

I wanted badly to touch him, kiss him, and tell him how he had been the lingering dream I tried hard to eradicate every night. If he only knew how it kills me to see him, and her, whole together, while I’m slowly breaking apart. Sinful as you may call it, he once said he was mine. And I would have been his if I wanted to. That was stupid, of course I wanted to. We wanted to. But we could not. We should not. Somebody owns him and I was damned, years late.

Somehow I was able to live behind the deceptions of it all. While I was caught in my reveries of the him-and-I, creating funny noises on my mind exchanging words meant to exist within the spheres of my illusions. I chose to believe my own fantasies and learned to indeed believe them in due time. I was beginning to find bliss in it, and when I was ultimately blown away, he said goodbye.

He was going back to her. I heard him say farewell. But it didn’t sink in. he was walking away now. I was watching his every step, getting farther and farther away from where we used to be. But I’m still here, here where we used to be. I’m staring at his chair, the chair where he used to be. I know he’s never going to be back here, where we used to be. I think I’m seeing all the colors draining from the mainstream. And now, just about now, I’m beginning to go back again to grey.

—found this draft here, I can’t remember anymore who I was pertaining to but I thought I shouldn’t let my pieces die in the backyard so I posted it. No offense meant. :p

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Broken Summer

I’ve been waiting for his call, for his messages. It’s been Saturday when he did, and it’s already another Saturday. Well, it is Saturday morning, it’s only 7:40am. morning, but morning will turn to noon, the noon then to dusk, then it’s night again. and i know, still he wouldn’t care. he doesn’t care. he used to care about me. that’s why i like him, that’s why i love him. i told him i love him. i told him to react, he didn’t. that was a long time ago. he called after two months. he didn’t say anything about it that i had to bring it up again. it was a serious thing to talk about. love is a serious thing. and he hates serious stuff. i hated it too but i love him so i had to be serious. he should be too. but since he hates it, the serious became a joke. and we ended there, we ended where we had actually started..jokin around. foolin and bummin and laughin out loud till we drop and still joke about the most nonsensical people. now i’m the one who’s nonsensical, so he turns it into a joke..turns me into a joke.

i kept waiting for one message. a message that will never come. i know it won’t come. i won’t receive anything so i’m not gonna send anything to him either. i think its the right thing to do. coz only i get to do the things that men should do. so i wonder whether he’s really the man or i am. maybe i am, that’s why he doesn’t like me. coz i dont wear skirt or sexy tops or make up. i’m no dyke. if i was dyke, i’d like girls. i don’t. i’m tough and bitchy and i do what i want to do and the things i do always shock people and shut them up. like the way he shut up when i said i love you.

now it’s summer and it’s almost at its end. the piercing heat and freezing coldness will meet again. they always meet and chase each other. we were like that once. that’s why i envy summer and rain. but just like them too, summer loses the battle and rain begins to pour. He is rain, I am Summer and i am losing my battle now. he’s gonna pour down hard and strong and he’s not alone. tears of the rain come in millions, and when they pour, he’s gonna be with other raindrops. he’s gonna fall into the ground. he’s gonna fall with another raindrop and kiss the earth and in the cycle they will both turn into clouds and pour down again together. while Summer will return into the picture and be remembered a year after. sigh

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Despicable

Emos are faggots and ninnys, people say. I just shrug.

When people fall, they fall hard.

When they fall hard, they cry hard.

Who’s to blame? Nobody.

Just cry…

I know I’m gonna see you again

But promise me that you won’t forget

Coz as long as you remember

a part of us will be together.

So even when you’re fast asleep

Look for me inside your dream.

Keep believing in what we’re sharing

And even when I’m not there to tell you

…I LOVE YOU…