i admit, naiinggit ako sa mga officemates ko na may dala ng kanya kanyang bulaklak galing sa mga jowa nila. sigh.. 😦
I was thinking about you all day, my cloudy vision fallen fixed on the empty concrete, twitching occasionally as my pen cries out blotches of ink in this indecent piece of board, which I found somewhere inside the training room. I was looking at your pictures, feasting my eyes at your luscious pale rose lips and wished I was kissing you that instant
I miss you…
I miss you so much…
I long for you…
I was holding back the tears as you would not want me to cry whenever we are apart. I struggled to recall how you want me to find something that could take my mind off of us, not together; how you want me to write and go on. I did. And I was writing. I was blissful, utterly blissful. Though I wrote a new piece with only you in my head. Putting in remnants of our juvenile love story. I was feeling princessly in my personal fairy tale, somehow, or maybe Misa-chan while dreaming of Yagami Light.
I felt feathery and warm, like I could go on being caressed by the breeze, taking me to uncharted grounds, caring about nothing but living. I felt peaceful. A sensation strangely vague in my perspective. If I remember correctly, I have wanted that for the longest time, to be happy. To feel serene for a moment. I was wishing that I had never learned how to cry nor to bleed, as I had found shelter in this dark room for the many years I endured. I sought for it in many a different places and found but ephemeral fun that eventually faded and bored me to hell, where I ended up being all by myself yet again, in chaos and in blades. I did not know what I needed. I just wanted something, or someone. I was never certain.
I found you.
And I did not want to be sure. I did not want to go back from where I left off, wallowing in pathetic prejudices I came up with to bestow on my head the loser’s crown. But then again…
In you, I found the happiness, the fulfillment I sought for almost forever.
I feel safe and loved when I’m all covered up in your arms. feel the warmth of your body.
I know you are there and that I am protected, because with you, I would never have to think that the sun would have to die; that life flows in grace in every dying raindrop, no matter how hard they fell into the grounds.
And on the surface of this desolate piece of land where my weathering soul lay, I feel rising and breathing, to see your smile and see my face in the mirror of your eyes. Where I could see through you and know that you see me too. Seeing me, the beauty in this frailty and senseless vanity. You embraced me and kissed me and gave life to me. You made me see how the sun could triumph against the night when she awakens at dawn. And in that strength and victory lies such pulchritude in the living, and hoping to live, stretching out my body to dance to the rhythm and hum the melody that was Life and Death. I would cry for your pain and celebrate your happiness.
I am weaving white sandcastle dreams with you. And when our tears finally reaches the sea and destroy these dreams, I’d sleep all my life to weave better fantasies for you.
So close your eyes and open your heart. You might feel what could have been too close for these eyes to see, or too loud for these ears to hear…
Do you feelt it?
Hey John…I Love you…:)
After I have broken up with my boyfriend of a year and 3 months, which I have posted in here last month..all emo and nuts..I’m coming back here, all smiles now, saying out loud to the world that once more, I have allowed myself to fall in love.
It was swift, like a spur of the moment thing. But I couldn’t care much anymore. I hadn’t told my closest friends yet of it, a little conscious of what they would think of me but certainly I will, just not now.
I was scared, a little cautious and reluctant. At the height of my desolation after my downfall, I had this little ridiculous idea in my head: online dating! It wasn’t new. I’ve joined in with a few thirty-ish thousands of prospects and hopefuls, some might just be mere perverts looking for casual sex. It was just that! Like a pool of fishes anticipating a bait, or a fisherman determined to catch the fish. whichever applies. :p
I thought: ”should I really get down to this?”
and on second thought..”It’d be fun!”
and on third thought..”I just signed up as Luna-Song”
and I didnt write that down for you to view my profile…:p
My first three days online was incredulous. I had my inbox swelled up to 12 pages of private messages from guys wanting to chat with me, adding me up on my facebook account. I accommodated some, ignored some others who didn’t measure up to my requirements. It was thrilling, I should say. I was getting back my confidence that..I’m still pretty and wanted. haha
I’ve met up with some of the guys nearby, became frustrated, taunted, whatever dismal feeling it could give. It was not that nice, but definitely an experience.
One night, I got this particular PM from a fellow Filipino guy who introduced himself in pure Filipino..which I didn’t entertain at first. The profile photo showed up 2 guys, making me wonder which is which. At any rate, I responded to him just to be friendly. He added me up on my YM account and chatted for the first time. And it was a first time to remember…
I had fun talking to him. The first thing I noticed was he spoke in good English. Grammar, check. Slang, check. Tenses, check.
I was pretty keen with that one, maybe a superficial basis but it’s a fundamental requirement for me.
Hmm. Nice. Potential..friend.
Now, to find out how he looked like, I added him up on FB. I was astounded. Unpredictable. What I got was this really long haired guy that you couldn’t see his face anymore, shirtless, holding a guitar. You’re own doze of common wasted rocker, who’s fuckin wasted as hell..to quote from one of his photo comments.
I held back. Was I to go out with this guy? He looked way different from the other guys I’ve met before. Or basically, he never looked the least bit like the guys I wanted to meet up at all. Friends, yes. We can be like that, just that. I had a band too, and my guy band mates never tend to look like that. Weird.
We continued to talk, about anything sensible and stupid. We would last for hours and talk nonstop. We exchanged cellphone numbers after that. We texted the entire morning and I’ll be rushing home from the office to log online and we’ll chat..like we haven’t talked all day.
I haven’t had the chance to scrutinize myself but I already formulated a few questions that had been going inside my head for quite a while now. What the hell is going on? What am I doing? or rather, Why am I feeling that way?
I knew I had to give in to the idea that I already liked this guy, whom I have fondly learned to call my “panda”.
Little did I know..we were saying “I miss you” and worst, “I love you” and we haven’t even met each other. In my dreams, I wanted to hug him tight and kiss him.
We met personally last Saturday and watched Eclipse. Though I’ve already watched the movie prior to this. I should have known, I wouldn’t have been able to watch it the second time, as my attention was completely diverted to him.
I fell in love with the wasted guy.
And he fell in love with the cosplayer.
Details..will follow. I’m loving him for now
~Ja Ne! ❤