Going..

I hated it that I was able to catch an episode of “Magkaribal” through channel 2 last night. It was one great soap opera;  the actors, the script, the plot, everything was incredible.

I knew I had to anticipate a bucketful of tearjerker scenes, as they have Bea Alonzo in the cast. On one scene, Bea was all nerve wrecked and sweaty for her upcoming national fashion designing competition, and her boyfriend, Derek Ramsay stayed with her the whole night to cheer her up. She made him go home early, as it was pouring hard that night. Before he left, he hugged her really tight and whispered “I love you” many times over. Something he unusually does. She looked at him intently and asked what was wrong.

“I’m leaving” he said, almost a murmur but she heard it nonetheless.

“I got the job, I need to go to the U.S. in a month.” he continued. and then she cried…and I dont feel the need to continue the narration.

as I was saying, I hate it.  I was thinking about that scene last night before I went to sleep. I was thinking, what if my boyfriend leaves me? What will I say? Should I cry? Should I encourage him instead? Should I this? Should I that? I didn’t know it was a fucking premonition.

We had a date the entire day. I was excited as hell to see him. And when he met me, he had this really weird look on his face and he hugged me and kissed me and said “I love you” to me first..@.@ he never did that. The stupid idea was creeping slowly in my head and I shook it off, it gives me allergy. But the he said that something unexpected came up, happening in 3months. In my mind, I was screaming “fuck fuck fuck tell me you’re joking” although he hadn’t given me a single hint yet. But it was already slamming right in my face that I knew what he was about to tell me. I knew it. I soo knew it. I didn’t want to ask, it was eating me up. I felt my knees shaking but then, I needed something, whatever it is, just to tell me he’s not going to tell me what I feared he would. I had to ask. just ask, and he wouldn’t say it. I hoped he wouldn’t say it.

“I’m leaving”…

.

..

….

…..

I was in some kind of soap opera. I stared at him for a moment and turned back. It was taking me a while to digest the idea that he was going away.

“No he’s not..”

“I’m leaving”

it echoed in my ears as though I thought it was funny. It wasn’t funny. NOT FUNNY AT ALL. how can that be funny? he’s going away. it was funny that he said it at the exact same tone and dialogue that Derek Ramsay did. yeah that was funny. But it was not.

And then I was crying..I was hurting..I was..just..that..I dont know. it was just so painful. I tried so hard to stop crying and not ruin the day, we hadn’t even started our date and I already messed up my make up.

We had lunch, rode the roller coster and murdered the videoke. We watched half of Resident Evil and decided it was too corny that we left right away. We just made out in the dark, it was better than the movie. He took me back home and taught me how to record my song. I enjoyed his bulbasaur and squirtle mimicry. I tried to enjoy the entire day as much as possible coz I won’t be seeing him for a while.

I watched him ate dinner. I listened to the clanking of his spoon and fork, watched him drink the iced tea. watched him look at me and heard him say I love you. All these I tried to process in my head with every detail. I didn’t want to miss anything like I was preparing for something horrendous. and then he had to go home. he still had 3 hours and it was raining. I didn’t want to hear nor understand that he was saying something like “I had to go”..

I didn’t want him to go, tonight, or any night..or anytime..I don’t want him to go

Please don’t leave me..dont leave me..

I watched him go in the rain. I was telling him directions but not really hearing my own voice getting soaked and swallowed by the downpour. And then he left..

I rushed back to the house..to the bathroom..and let the tears that I’ve kept for so long, ran freely along my cheeks…

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2 thoughts on “Going..

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